A big lazy cat curls up on a pathless land.

 A friend of mine said to me, “you’re creating a path, instead of following a path.” and suggested Kurishnamurti to paraphrase my living art in Berlin. I hadn’t paid attention to Kurishnamurti before. After reading this http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/about-krishnamurti/dissolution-speech.php I do see similarities to his world view.

A belief is purely an individual matter, and you cannot and must not organize it. If you do, it becomes dead, crystallized; it becomes a creed, a sect, a religion, to be imposed on others.

Especially I agree with the wording he chose in bold: it becomes dead, crystalized.

At this stage, there are only a few things that I earnestly want to learn. Achievement, crystallization, and results per se no longer interest me. I don’t have a desire for producing outcomes to the society, curving a trace of my existence into a history, and creating new values. Many people expect and egg me. But my heart is somewhere else.  I’m becoming a lazy big cat.

After living in Berlin as a social experiment, some say to me, it’s time for you to crystalize, generate something. However, it doesn’t resonate to me. Truth is a pathless land. What an intriguing message Kurishnamurti left! A pathless land would be an equivalent of emptiness, Ku (空), in Buddhism terminology. Ku means the sky and space.

During meditation a few days ago, the axis within me shifted. I could be grounded on the center core deeper and stronger than ever. I used to concentrate on healing and removing pains. My whole life at that time had been dependent on the pains that possessed my left side body. After a while, I realized that a persistent never-ending attempt to completely heal pains didn’t make sense. Awareness of the pains yielded pains. They never disappeared. They harrowed me again and again. I began practicing to avert my awareness/attention from the pains. It’s been an incredibly slow progress. One day I felt “I could remove my consciousness from the pains!” Another day, they madly preoccupied me. It’s still more or less like that now. Nonetheless, I’m finding the firmness and stability very strongly. The pains reside here as always. But, electro currents running through my left body don’t bother my meditative state. I can rest on something but the pains.

It’s not about eliminating the pains. Life is to keep connected to inner peace no matter what and where, even on a road to death. That’s why I’m doing Dream Yoga. Not vibrations of pains but vibrations of bliss are slowly taking over me.

These days, I feel that time doesn’t belong to me. No “my life.” No “my time.” Anybody else doesn’t own time either. Time is like air and water. Time and space is everywhere. It penetrates us. Suppose this is neither my life nor anybody’s, what possibilities lay here? What choice could (my) consciousness take?

When you’re becoming fully present from a moment to a moment, you may at times become very subtle and least active, because you’re so satisfied with the world where you live and what you have done that you have few desires, no interest in future plans, goals and achievements, and the other people’s recognition. You feel stunningly touched and mesmerized just by walking on a street and sitting by the window looking at dance of fallen leaves with a wind in-between fresh green leaves and their black shadow cast on the ground. You live for weeks and months in that way, waking up, eating, walking, cooking, eating, going to bathroom, enjoying what comes into a day, and sleeping.This condition is seen to be no motivation, no energy, no ambition, no good social engagement and contribution, no significance. No attachment to outcomes, laissez-faire, appears to be at best resignation, or simply useless and lazy. I have no clue about purpose and significance of the lazy cat.

Lately, the new word is added to my lexicon: the universe. “I’m connected to the universe, goddesses, and dakinis.” I deliberately didn’t say it since it was such a misleading cliche, sounded toucy-feely new-agie, hippy-ish. Yet, I now know what it is from the gut. The universe is neither the God nor the horoscope. It’s like emptiness, and probably a pathless land.


This morning, I was awakened from a decade-long dream. A clear realization struck me, that he will never ever come back. As a matter of fact, it’s a simple obvious fact which I knew from the beginning. Well, I should say, I knew it as a piece of knowledge. But my deep inside didn’t realize what it really meant. Until today’s awakening, I’ve lived in a long long hazy misty dream where I was totally blind and didn’t grip the reality of an eternal separation. I knew. But I didn’t.

Needless to say, I didn’t believe a freaky thing that the deceased would revive. I understood that he was dead and that was it. Nonetheless, my life since then has been shaped around his death, or existence. I’ve devoted all my time and energy to accept, fight back, reflect on, heal, mad at, get devastated, and get out of his dying and passing. I disparately longed for and missed him in sinful regret, self-hatred, and despair. Without thinking of and being aware of impossibility of our reunion in this world, I exhausted what I had on the relationship with him. The magnitude of my missing him actually gave me the tremendous amount of energy to do things. I bestowed all of it on making my life and proceeding.

Upon the realization, I was astonished with the fact that I had been so lost in my world in relation to him. I gazed into space in my room as if I had been connected to emptiness.The experience of awakening from this immense dream was exactly the same as the every morning waking up from a dream or sleep and as the waking in a lucid dream while sleeping. “Oh! I was dreaming, and I am awake now.”  I never see him again.

No longer do I have to be driven to fill in the gap, which I would keep failing for good because it’s simply impossible. I miss you. But I can’t see you. I can’t change the past. I’m not meant to desire for what I can’t have. My life force isn’t for something that I can never fulfill. From now on, I’m able to beacon my energy, apart from the identity with him.

Be open to

To be open to any possibility is one thing. To prepare for multiple options for you to choose and keep the future open, like “I could do this and that!” “This might be also good for me. Let’s keep it for now!,” is another thing.

Our imagination is at the end limited to our conception and paradigm, or our language. Possibilities that we ourselves create don’t exceed who we are. An extraordinarily possibility comes from middle of nowhere, which we never even thought of, unexpectedly and absurdly. Such a possibility stuns and astonishes us. An unintended coincidence and an abrupt invitation open up a new path of possibility.

To be open to any possibility is to develop flexibility and detachment within us that enable us to say yes to a surprising invitation sent from where we don’t belong, even if we skeptically feel that we are about to throwing away what we have established, believed, and relied on.

We don’t need to keep multiple choices and disguise ourselves as if we had so many possibilities ahead of us. We should cultivate tenderness and resilience inside us that let us jump in an altered dimensioned hole suddenly appearing along the way.








そして本厄年女を迎えんとする30代折り返し地点(数えの年齢に目を剥きつつ。。。) 心境は意外にも若い頃にはあまり縁のなかった日本純文学。「吾輩は猫である。名前はまだ無い。」




The night sky

(JPN follows ENG)

In the study of psychology, there are multiple layers that divide the consciousness and the unconsciousness. In other words, there are boundaries or films between the two.

When I explore human consciousness both during day and night without a premise of the notion of the unconscious, I come to see a different structure of the consciousness.

The human consciousness is like the night sky. Thoughts and emotions in our waking life (conscious realm) are the first magnitude stars. They are in the visible spectrum even in an urban area unless it’s terribly cloudy.

Past experiences and memories or subliminal information that “unknowingly” influence our cognitive activities and dreams during sleep (unconscious realm) are the fourth of fifth magnitude starts. Our eyes fail to capture unless we go to countrysides with less urban lights and clearer air.

All the elements exist over the sky even if they are merely luminous residual of ancient materials that vanished millions light years ago. We need to arrange a certain condition and circumstances in order for our eyes to see light of all the stars that affects our human mind. There is no boundary between the consciousness and the unconsciousness. It’s just the consciousness. Regardless of the gap in magnitude of brightness, we will be able to look at weak light, as long as we practice.








My observation on Yoga

Yoga is a way of reconnecting with all the parts of the body. It releases blockage within the body, even tiny bits and pieces, lets congested energy flow, and reactivates power that we are innately given.

Sports and dance are great to build up and strengthen our body. The body will be designed to do a certain movement. Muscles and flesh will be grown and molded into a particular shape to function in a particular manner to be most effective to do a specific sport or dance.

A big difference of yoga is that it doesn’t “add on.” Yoga is to unlock the current condition and unleash a force that each and every muscle fibre and tissue potentially has. It doesn’t aim to produce new muscles for a purpose (although it happens). Yoga doesn’t miss out anything of us. It pierces us inside out and upside down.

Our body and mind have abound power once all are interconnected. We don’t know how much force we can emit when we properly stretch and press the body both inward and outward at most, after softening stiffness.






お菓子作りのような毎日の夢を、まずはどんな材料で何を焼いたのかを明晰に把握する。それから、ではさとうきびから作りましょう、小麦粉から育てましょう。じゃあどの土地の土と水がいいですかね?と一つ一つを手に触れてawakened していくのが、私が取り組んでいるチベットドリームヨーガかもしれない。意識のレイヤー自体を変えることで(大きく3つの意識レベルと対応する身体レベルがあるとされる)、夢の性質と中身をトランスフォームさせ、人間本来が持つ自然体の意識に近づいていく技だ。





How German sounds compared to other languages













Silence speaks

People ask me what my vision and goal are and what I hope to accomplish in Berlin/Europe. I answer, “nothing.” Then, they are perplexed with a nuanced facial expression implying “no way, you should have a goal. We all have a goal.” But, I don’t have it now.

Vision and goal are something that we human make up in order to illustrate our future and motivate us to keep going. I strongly agree that there are occasions where vision and goal are highly relevant and powerful to have. But, not all the time. Not always in our life phases.

If we are contended with the present state and also the way that we’ve walked along there, then why do we need to be bothered to think about future and run after it?

For now, I’m done with diving into my past or preoccupied with making sense of my future, although these phases may come again.

Future is here with me. Not somewhere far away. Past is here with me. Not forgotten deep in unconscious. My body pierces time. It converges within me. I no longer attempt to illustrate future visually or describe it in words. I’m not aiming or achieving something.

I sit next to calmness. The calmness is perfectly balanced at my center core. The calmness resonates silence. Profound silence. It’s so serene that I can hear a sound of a ripple spreading across a pond as soon as a drop of water touches its surface. I cherish this silence and choose and pick things that don’t cut it out. Every moment, every action, I intend to mindfully listen to the silence. It brings what is essential in my life to me.