it is only certain, death awaits me.

when I chew this certainty,

the texture of life turns into a dream.

like mountains reflected on a mirror-like pond.

the more lucid a dream gets, the more lucid the reality gets.

the boundary becomes blur.

like a misty moon at night before a rain at dawn.



This morning, I was awakened from a decade-long dream. A clear realization struck me, that he will never ever come back. As a matter of fact, it’s a simple obvious fact which I knew from the beginning. Well, I should say, I knew it as a piece of knowledge. But my deep inside didn’t realize what it really meant. Until today’s awakening, I’ve lived in a long long hazy misty dream where I was totally blind and didn’t grip the reality of an eternal separation. I knew. But I didn’t.

Needless to say, I didn’t believe a freaky thing that the deceased would revive. I understood that he was dead and that was it. Nonetheless, my life since then has been shaped around his death, or existence. I’ve devoted all my time and energy to accept, fight back, reflect on, heal, mad at, get devastated, and get out of his dying and passing. I disparately longed for and missed him in sinful regret, self-hatred, and despair. Without thinking of and being aware of impossibility of our reunion in this world, I exhausted what I had on the relationship with him. The magnitude of my missing him actually gave me the tremendous amount of energy to do things. I bestowed all of it on making my life and proceeding.

Upon the realization, I was astonished with the fact that I had been so lost in my world in relation to him. I gazed into space in my room as if I had been connected to emptiness.The experience of awakening from this immense dream was exactly the same as the every morning waking up from a dream or sleep and as the waking in a lucid dream while sleeping. “Oh! I was dreaming, and I am awake now.”  I never see him again.

No longer do I have to be driven to fill in the gap, which I would keep failing for good because it’s simply impossible. I miss you. But I can’t see you. I can’t change the past. I’m not meant to desire for what I can’t have. My life force isn’t for something that I can never fulfill. From now on, I’m able to beacon my energy, apart from the identity with him.

The night sky

(JPN follows ENG)

In the study of psychology, there are multiple layers that divide the consciousness and the unconsciousness. In other words, there are boundaries or films between the two.

When I explore human consciousness both during day and night without a premise of the notion of the unconscious, I come to see a different structure of the consciousness.

The human consciousness is like the night sky. Thoughts and emotions in our waking life (conscious realm) are the first magnitude stars. They are in the visible spectrum even in an urban area unless it’s terribly cloudy.

Past experiences and memories or subliminal information that “unknowingly” influence our cognitive activities and dreams during sleep (unconscious realm) are the fourth of fifth magnitude starts. Our eyes fail to capture unless we go to countrysides with less urban lights and clearer air.

All the elements exist over the sky even if they are merely luminous residual of ancient materials that vanished millions light years ago. We need to arrange a certain condition and circumstances in order for our eyes to see light of all the stars that affects our human mind. There is no boundary between the consciousness and the unconsciousness. It’s just the consciousness. Regardless of the gap in magnitude of brightness, we will be able to look at weak light, as long as we practice.














それでも、私は意識の地平の向こうが見たい。冒険家が8000メートルを超える霊峰の頂きや真っ黒い不気味な海底を目指すように。科学者が11次元の世界を仮定するように。そして、人生をアートするために、一瞬一瞬をあるがままに美しく、満ち足りた状態で、この星に命を受けた生き物の一つとしての本分をまっとうするために、重要なthe art (技)となると感じている。